Toph Speaks

So, I tried booking a flight yesterday. Well, keep in mind that I haven’t booked a flight for myself in about a year or so. Typically, if Diabla doesn’t do it, then our office assistant does it. I live such a difficult life. In August, I’m going to Austin to see Ray and Doan get married, then I’m going from Austin to Boston, and then returning back to San Francisco a few days later. Speaking of, if you’re going to be in Boston the 10th - 13th, let me know.

Diabla and I bought a one-way for me to Austin, because Austin to Boston, Boston to SF is paid for by my company. Since it was a more difficult purchase, I just took the company card and attempted to do it myself. On a side note, I also tried to book my hotel. Maybe these women in my life have rendered me useless, because I couldn’t do that either. Our assistant had to call them and make it happen for me. I digress, so, I’m trying to find a flight on Sunday from Austin to Boston that’s in the same time scale as Beau and Marci, because they’re returning to SF, and we’ll be going to the airport together. They’re leaving around 2p, so it shouldn’t be hard to find a flight to Boston around that time, right? Wrong. Most flights to the East Coast were leaving around 5:30-6a, then 4-6p. In what world does this make sense? Let’s face it, even going direct to the airlines, you can’t get a direct flight, so regardless you’re not going to get in at a decent time anyways. One flight had me leaving at 6a, and getting into Boston at 12:35a. Really? It’s not that far away, is it?

The other problem is that they make it impossible to select your own flights. What I mean is, you can’t pick a departure and then a return. They group them together to make sure you’re fucked one way or the other. I finally found flights leaving closer to noon, but the return flights were at 6p or 5a. Geez guys, you ever thing this is retarded? It’s just a complete shit-show their running. Don’t they know that most checkouts are between 10a and noon? Is it not common sense to have a group of flights maybe from 11a - 2p? This would also put me back on the West Coast at a reasonable time, but no, that’s just too convenient, isn’t it?

I finally found flights that left and returned at reasonable times, but to my dismay they were aboard United Airlines. Fuck my life. Oh, have I not told you that I’m on a terrorist watch list for United? Because that makes all the sense in the world. I wasn’t born with the name Toph. (I know, I was shocked when I found out, too.) I was actually born Christopher Miller. Do a Google search for the name Christopher Miller, Yep, I’m not the only one. Even Chris Miller elicits more results, musicians, skate boarders, ex-Atlanta Falcons quarterbacks. One of these fucktards ruined it for me. Therefore, I don’t fly United, because I have to arrive 2 hours early to be allowed to check in, and I get a machine gun in my face as they put me through additional screening. (By the by, we learned this on our way to our honeymoon, which almost caused us to miss the whole thing.)

So, scratch United. Luckily, I wasn’t paying for this, and I eventually found a flight. Honestly, I needed to talk about it to people who care.

This is why I love you.

OK, before you say shit, Ray, she is of age. When your girl Miley flips over 17, then I’ll gladly have her up (or when the naked photos are posted… which ever comes first).

I’m assuming by this point, regardless of your love or hate for Disney, you know Vanessa Hudgens. She’s that hot girl dating that odd looking dude. She was in all the High School Musicals. She’s actually really hot. I mean, fo’ sho’. She can’t sing for shit, but really who needs her to? If she plays her cards right, (and I’m not talking about more naked photos… not that those are bad) then she could become uber-famous.

Actually… after doing this, she might be top 5 skillet… I don’t know…

So, here’s Vanessa Hudgens… Enjoy.

I love you.

Snappinin? So, I said I’d give you a follow up to the madness that was “the party” so, here it is.

Let’s just say it started off on the wrong foot. In case you don’t even know what I’m talking about, look back HERE. So, Diabla and I woke up around 4:30am on Friday to catch out flight on Frontier Airlines, which took off at 6:00am. We get to the airport close to 5:30am, excited about the random, yet amazing weekend. This is the point when things take a turn for the worst. (By the way, totally unrelated, I’m listening to Arcade Fire right now. So frakin’ good, man.) As we get to the electronic check in, we put our credit card in, and it asks us to see a representative. OK, minor setback for a weekend of awesomeness, we think. We get there, and she tells us we’re not allowed to board the plane. The reason is because they sent paper tickets, which are apparently like money, to the person that bought the tickets 2 days ago. If you’re scoring at home, we’re at SFO, and the person that bought the tickets for us is in Pennsylvania. The logic is astounding, here. Now, my wife wasn’t given the name Diabla, because she’s sweet and sensitive. Needless to say, she goes off on the poor lady.

At this point, it’s around 8am. Obviously we’ve missed any chance to get on that flight, and we’re about to go home, when we decided to just check with Southwest Airlines. Being Texas kids, Southwest has come to our rescue more than an airline should. We discover that we can get on a 10am flight to Penn, and it would cost about $750 round trip, each. OK, we’re not paying for it, so we get it. Finally, we’re on our way to Philadelphia. The flight is to LAX, where we get off the plane and onto another, headed for Denver, then to Philadelphia. Despite being stuck in the B groups (only Southwesterns know what I’m talking about), we’re able to sit together to LAX. After LAX, it’s different story.

Diabla is in front of me (we’re in the back of the plane) sitting next to a family with babies. I’m behind her, sitting next to super-hippie mom and her 3 year old girl. If you didn’t know, I’m a little scared of flying. So, when the massive turbulence starts, the crazy hippie girl starts telling me about her brother that killed himself the day after Christmas. Then, how her mother died, and it was possibly suicide. She was also this Wiccan, that was drawing photos of fawns sucking off the devil. You want to know who you don’t want to sit beside when you think the plane is going to crash? Hippie, Wiccan girl, that’s who.

Needless to say, we landed safely in Denver, stayed on our plane, and moved up to the front. That’s the beauty of Southwest. You can be fucked on one flight, then awesome the next. We finally arrive in Philly at midnight, go straight to the hotel room and pass out. I will say that we got the sweetest Jeep Commander with no extra charge.

We wake up early so that we can visit Diabla’s family in Philly, and then head to Wilkes-Barre for the party. We get lost a few times, because the Penn Turnpike was made by crippies and tards and finally get in about noon. We check into the hotel, and this is about when things get magical. The room we’re staying in is a suite. Ok, that’s not a big deal, but the suite has a jacuzzi in the room, with mirrors and lights around it. How sexy is that!? Yeah, I have a photo HERE. My clients come and pick us up at the hotel around 1pm, and we head out to the destination.

We arrive in the middle of nowhere. It’s this massive forest, that suddenly opens up to this pond, and picnic area. There was a huge gazebo, and a stage with Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson’s son playing. He was actually pretty good. The BBQ pit was crazy big, and burgers, steaks and hot dogs were flying out of it. There were close to 20 kegs, which were all Yuengling or Miller Lite. How awesome is that?

The important party of the day, of course, was the beer pong tournament that I told you about. It’s hard to imagine, but a 56 person beer pong tournament is awesome. They also had official beer pong tables, which were bought from BPong.com. We step up to our first match, and Diabla whips out our amazing uniforms. See, my boss bought us matching Dirk jerseys for our wedding present, and she whips them out, and we throw them on. Intimidation. We go on to win our first match by 1 cup. The second match, we play these two guys, who are pricks. The slaughter us with 4 out of 6 cups on the table. This brings our record to 1 - 1. The next match, we lose a heart breaker with 1 cup remaining on our side. Record standing at 1 - 2. Then, we face these two guys, who think they’ll own us. This is when Diabla has the Sportscenter top play of the day. 1 cup on our side, 2 cups on theirs. They shot to win, and Diabla out of no where, blows the ball out of the cup (a legal move mind you). The crowd went nuts. Then, she follows that up with a make. They make their shot, and it’s our turn to rebuttal, or go home. I shot, I miss. Diabla steps up, and hits nothing but the bottom of the cup. BANG! Forces overtime, and she makes 2 straight cups. That’s when I step up and knock down the winning cup. I felt like I had not scored all day, but I’m clutch. The good players always come through. We’re 2 - 2. The next team we play (and keep in mind, at this point who knows how much beer we’ve downed) beats us in a another heart breaker, and we’re 2 - 3. We have one more game that counts, and it’s against the people I work directly with, that flew us out there. No way we could lose this one, right? Both, Diabla and I are on fire, but so are they. We’re trading shots, and making them. Until, we get to the last 2 cups. Suddenly, no one can make shots. We’re going back and forth hitting cups, but they’re not falling. Then, Diabla hits one, and they fire back and hit one. We trade misses a few times, and now I’m up. I tell my client, that if I hit this, I want higher commission across the board. Line up for the shot, blow a kiss Jason Kidd style, and BOOM bottom of the cup. The both miss, and Diabla and I take a beer shower. You would have thought we won the World Series. It was incredible, and we finish 3 - 3. I was impressed, all things considered.

The rest of the party was great. We danced to cover bands, met all these badass people, drank a crapload and partied our asses off. We get back to the hotel around 2, sexualize and go to sleep.

We’re flying out of Philly the next day, so we wake up kind of early, go to breakfast with my clients and take on the 2 hour drive. We’re sitting in the back of the plane, and the seats are going fast on this full flight. Cue the FATTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Her she comes bumbling and stumbling down the aisle. “Is anyone sitting there,” she says in her deep scary voice. Diabla and I look up from our magazines like the snobbiest people you’ve ever met. “Whatever,” Diabla says. I’m in the aisle seat, and Dibs is in the middle, next to the FATTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Not to be anymore of a dick than I already am, but the fat was pouring over into our seats. I felt like it was growing around the arm rest. At some point, you gotta purchase two seats, right? Maybe all this happened because we’re bad people, I don’t know, but we proceed to sit on the runway for 2 hours. It was the longest 2 hours of our lives, because Dibs is half in my seat, and I’m getting hit by everyone that passes. They tell us it’s going to be another hour when the FATTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD has to pee. She gets up, and Diabla looks at me with this look and says to me, “If you don’t fix this, kiss your life goodbye.” There’s one more seat on the plane, and it’s in between these two pilots going to Chicago. I go and plead my case to them. “Look,” I said, “My life is stuck between me and a slightly larger, nice, young lady. Anyway she can sit between you two?” They look back at my wife and exclaim, “YES!” The fact that she was mucking it up the whole hour with those two didn’t bother me, because I knew I was getting sexualization again.

An hour later, on the runway still, they tell us the flight is canceled, and we missed our connections anyway. We go back to the terminal, and have to stand in this huge fuck-off-line to sort out what we’re going to do. They tell us that we can go to Chicago tonight, or stay in Philly and hope that tomorrow we get out. Of course, we decide Chicago. We leave an hour later, and are finally there by 10pm. Hungry, sleepy and irritated. We get a hotel, sleep and eat White Castle. Wake up at 4:30am, again, get ready and are at the airport by 5:30am for a 6am flight. We cut it ridiculously close. We have decent seats in the back of the plane, and we head to San Diego to pick people up, and then head straight to SFO. When we get to San Diego, we learn that for unknown reasons air traffic control has grounded all flights to SFO. It’s funny that any time that happens now, you think terrorists, isn’t it? We get on the flight 2 hours later, and finally land in SFO at 1pm, on Monday on our Anniversary.

We’re making up for it tomorrow, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Thanks for listening. I love you, and I’m not proofreading this, either.

Just want to say thanks to everyone that hooked up on my Twitter over the weekend to follow the action at the Beer Pong Tournament. I’ll have details by Friday in case you’re the only person not on Twitter.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the biggest fan of Anne Hathaway, but she does have big jumblies. Actually, the more I see her, the better she gets. Um.. She’s in the new Get Smart, which I heard is terrible. But, she was in a sex scene in some movie, which was pretty good.

Plus, her ex-boyfriend was arrested or something, which is sweet. Anyhow, if you enjoy her, look at the photos. If not, look at them anyways.

Late.

(Toph’s Note: Wanted you guys to know that TophSpeaks is here for another year! I just renewed today. A lot of skillets left to be unturned. I love you.)

On Tuesday, Diabla and I were invited to this mega party happening on Saturday. The thing is, the party is in Philly. It’s being hosted by one of my mega clients, so they’re actually paying for us to go over to Philly. Pretty sweet, right?

Plus, believe it or not Speakers, the 14th is my 1st wedding anniversary. Can you believe that? How many of you are out of the betting pool?

So, Diabla and I decide that we’ll go to the party, and the cool part is that we pay for nothing. Since it is a company trip, and all. We’re flying in tomorrow, and getting back on Monday. I asked what the party included, and it was the typical starts at 1pm and goes till around 2 am. There’s a pool if you want to swim, free alcohol all day and night, 3 bands and 2 DJs, dancing, eating, etc… Oh, and a massive Beirut (aka, beer pong) Tournament.

YES! I get the email, and I shit you not (I’d never shit you!), there are 28 teams of 2 broken into 4 divisions. It’s hardcore, too. I’ll post the rules below.

I just thought I’d let you guys know, cause it’s awesome, and you like awesome.

I’ll come back with plenty of pics from the event, and I’ll put them in Flickr. Get on my Twitter, and I’ll update you guys as it goes along. Diabla and Toph will bring home the Gold!

Once in the tournament the first round of games will be Best of 3, next round will be Best of 3, and the final game will be Best of 5.

There will be 7 tables, so you can start as early as people in your division arrive, we have a lot of beer pong to play before it gets dark. Please let me know if there are any questions, and if someone could forward this message to the outside teams (Chris/Marcy, Spencer/Steph) that would be appreciated.

Below are the rules. Good Luck to everyone!

Beer Pong Tournament - Official Rules
1. No Bouncing
2. No Leaning. No elbows over the table. Gentleman’s game.
3. 6 Cup Games, 1 Re-Rack per game.
4. If both players make their shots, they get the balls back.
5. Last cup - shoot ’til you miss.
6. Only girls can blow out spinners
7. If both players make the last cup, game is over.
8. If last 2 cups are made in a row, same team gets both balls back to shoot again. If either one of those shots are made, game is over. If no shots are made, opposing team gets a chance to send the game to overtime through “shoot ’til you miss”.
9. Overtime is 3 cups, no re-racks.
10. Any spilled or knocked cups (by either team) are removed from the table, except last cup.
11. If the ball happens to land on TOP of 3 cups, then all 3 cups are removed. If there are only 3 cups left on the table then game is over.
12. If the ball hits the table at any time it is DEAD, and does not count if it then bounces into a cup. If the ball bounces around on objects or people before going in (without touching the ground or table) the shot counts, cup is removed.

Intense.

Right now everyone is screaming at me for putting Paris Hilton as the Skillet of the Week, and I think that’s funny. OK, yes, I posted her just to get a rise out of people. I haven’t had an uproar in a long time.

But, Paris is kind of hot, don’t you think? Maybe it’s because she’s rich, I don’t know, but she does have something. If there wasn’t something alluring about her (other than money), then she wouldn’t be who she is, right?

Am I crazy again?

Would you hit?

Once you get married, or really enter into a relationship of standards, things like making your own decisions suddenly changes completely. I, of course, say this with the utmost of respect and fear for my wife, La Diabla. Luckily for me, one of the decisions that was made entering into our relationship was that she would stay as far away from TophSpeaks as possible, and I would quit smoking by the time we had kids. So far, we’ve both held up to those promises. Although, I do miss smoking. But, that’s about the only decision that we’ve made that I’ve agreed with, or had any part in. And, truth be told, I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly how it is she got me to quit smoking.

The problem is in most relationships, and by most relationships I mean the normal ones where the male is completely terrified of the female, the woman makes all of the decisions. Look, I’m saying this as both a good thing and a bad thing, so for everyone out there that thinks I’m being negative against marriage just know that I’m not. I’m being negative about my marriage. (kidding….)

A typical night at the Toph household goes something like this -

Toph - Sappinin, Sexuals?

Diabla - You need to go to the gym. You’re getting chunky.

Toph - Well, I had a really hard day and would actually like to chill out to a Yankee game, order a pizza, call Ryan and Christian, and have some beers.

Diabla - (After 5 minutes of laughter)

Toph - I guess I’ll start stretching.

And so it goes. Maybe in the long run going to gym will benefit me more than watching the game with friends, eating pizza, smoking a cigar and drinking. In fact, I know it will, but it does make life a little less awesome, right? Don’t answer that.

They say you make sacrifices to make the person you’re with happy. What they don’t tell you is that this only applies to the man in the relationship. A good friend said to me last night, “Toph, I had no idea that she would start to use blowjobs as rewards, then take them away when I was bad. Have I not earned at least 2 blowjobs a week just from coming home every night?” I can’t say I know exactly how he feels in this situation, but the overall sympathy is there. Back when I was single, or when I lived alone in Dallas and Diabla lived somewhere South of the Border, I was free to do as I pleased. Again, I’m not saying the decisions I made were good, but they were my own. Not to beat a dead horse here (because I wouldn’t be allowed to), but things off the top of my head include; smoking inside, a steady diet of Whataburger, Chick-Fil-A, Krispy Kreame, and Taco Bueno, spending Tuesday - Sunday at a bar wasted (and Monday during football season), not going to work so that I could have video game day, waking up at midnight to write a column because I had a funny idea… the list goes on. (At this point I’d like to make it clear that I am still completely in love with my wife… I’m also terrified of her like every decent male should be.)

Think about it, when was the last time you had an important relationship decision? (If the answer is yesterday, then your relationship won’t last. Sorry, but it’s true and you fucking know it.) Even dinner becomes a problem. “Honey, what do you want to eat?” “Oh, you know, how about we go out and eat some lobster?” “Why would you suggest that? I don’t like seafood. How about we stay in and I cook chicken and rice. You know, it figures you always want to go out to eat. You have no concept for things like bills and saving for the future. I WANT A HOUSE! All you want to do is play and shop. At some point you’ve got to learn responsibility. And, you’re having water to drink. You look chunky.”

Somehow, something as simple as dinner turns into me being chunky.

Here’s the fun part - Mastering the decisions. Sure, I haven’t quite sorted this one out yet, but I have some hypothesis’ that are in the works. Hopefully some of you guys can be test subjects for me. Just, write down your data and send it over to me. Here’s what I mean: When she asks what I want for dinner, be assertive and reply with two answers. One that she really won’t want, and the other that she’d rather have over your idiotic first suggestion. “Honey, what do you want for dinner?” “Well, they’re having $1 wings at Hooters tonight, but if you don’t want that we could go get some lobster. They have a good fillet mignon at this place I read about on Yelp.” Of course, in my relationship the answer would be this: “I’m glad you have time to sit around and read restaurant reviews on Yelp all day. It’s no wonder you’re getting chunky. It must be nice to work at a place where you can write blogs and read restaurant reviews all day. You know what I do all day? I stand there and have to take shit from customers with massive accounts who treat me like shit because they have all this money. But you? You get to play on the computer, play video games, chat online and read restaurant reviews all damn day. Why don’t you meet me in the room for some sex.” (I said I didn’t make decisions… Not that I was in a bad marriage.)

At this point, I’m not even sure what I was getting at. This is all really funny to me, because my best friend Ray is getting married next month. Welcome in a new member to the world of no-decisions. Actually, he’s been here for a while now. He’s not afraid to admit it, either. Because like every other real relationship he’s completely terrified of his lady. Actually, I’m terrified of his lady, too.

Ain’t love grand?

TophSpeaks is back!

I’ve missed you guys while I’ve been away. In the past few weeks I’ve been around the US making the Life of Toph happen. It was an amazing vacation, but it’s good to finally be home where I belong. I have lots of news to share with you guys, but that will come in time.

What I will say is that we now have iPhone versions of both my sites - TophSpeaks.com and TheSportsBizzo.com. That’s pretty badass.

On to this week’s Skillet.

So, Diabla NetFlix’ed Mad Money, and it was a horrible movie. However, it reminded me of how much I miss Katie Holmes. Man, I was borderline obsessed with Katie Holmes in her Dawson’s Creek days. I was so jealous of Dawson and Pacey. Although, I did kind of think Pacey was the man, it wasn’t cool stealing your best friend’s girl. Who does that kind of shit?

Anyways, it’s a damn shame Katie is under Tom’s control, because she was something special. Let’s celebrate that, shall we?

I’ve missed you all terribly. Welcome back.

In case you haven’t noticed… I’m on vacation and will be till next Thursday.

I love you.

Toph

They say on every great woman is a bikini, which is why we’re bringing you the very first Toph Speaks Swimsuit Edition. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t really know anything about bikinis. I can’t tell you where to find the perfect one, or what colors will look best on you. What I know is what I think looks best, whether it’s on you or not. And I think it’s important for the ladies to know what we think is sexy in swimwear. Naturally, I represent all men, so stick with me ladies, and we’ll be fine.

There’s one thing I do want to get across, which is the same with everything I write about, less is more. Yeah, I meant that in a lot of ways here. If the swimsuit has this pattern of messiness and confusion on it, then put it down and walk away. It’s going to look ridiculous on you. And, yeah, maybe we don’t want you to be so covered. It’s time to let loose, and stop covering up everything. Let’s see a little of those butt cheeks you got there. It’d be OK to go with a smaller top, too. Global warming is happening, ladies… embrace it!

I’ve decided to give you my top 5 favorite bikini’s I found while spending 10 minutes searching online.

5. AE’s String Bikini in Black - American Eagle’s bikini model leaves a lot to be desired. The bikini on the other hand, is still pretty hot. Chicks should always have a plain black bikini, right? It’s like the little black dress. Always hot.

4. Beach Sexy Polkadot at Victoria’s Secret - OK, fine. It’s possible that this is the ugliest swimsuit in the world, but it might also be the hottest. I can’t tell, but alls I know is, Miranda Kerr is phenomenal. Plus, it’s on sale, so there you go.

3. Start It Up Tiki from Roxy - What’s summer without a Roxy bikini? This bikini is bright, and sexy. Plus, you can adjust it to do all sorts of sexual things. That’s versatility for your asses… errr… boobs. Their models look sick, and young. It’s doing weird things to me.

2. Beach Sexy Rhinestone Skull Halter at Victoria’s Secret - Maybe I’m a little biased here, because La Diabla works this swimsuit like nobody’s business, but it’s damn sexy. There’s something about the black, the smallness and the brown skin. Whew… I may get her to wear it tonight. Plus, Jarah is it in the photo, so there you go.

1. Betsy Johnson Parasol Top/Bottom from Urban Outfitters - OK, this may be a bit on the expensive side, and it might just be lingerie, but it’s hot. Really hot. Pretty retro, and it’s going to make you look good. Isn’t that what’s important here? Money? Pshaw…

And now… lots of photos of girls, famous and not, in BIKINIS!!!!!!